Weird, But Good: Cucumber, Mango, Salt, Lime & Chili Pepper

Fruta con sal, limon y chile!I bought these snacks on the streets of Guadalajara, Mexico from a friendly dude wielding a machete and a hand juicer. In a few swift, effortless gestures he (1) peeled the shit out of my fruit, (2) lopped it into bit-size chunks, (3) squeezed two limes worth of juice on each snack, and (4) finished off each container with a healthy pinch of coarse salt and a drizzle of chili pepper paste.

The papaya-watermelon (upper right) was pretty solid. But I’ve gotta say the cucumber-mango combination, which was suggested to me by a co-worker of mine, was the winner.

Verdict: I could eat this shit all day long.

Snack monster travel tip: the Spanish word for cucumber is pepino, which should come in, like, super handy…

Coleslaw: A Side or a Snack?

A side dish or a snack?I love coleslaw. So much that somebody once made me a giant plate of it for my birthday (no joke). Needless to say I was pretty stoked when I found this staring back up at me from a styrofoam to-go container.

Truth be told, the dressing on this slaw could have been a bit tangier. But the fact that I devoured the entire mini pile of cabbage, carrots, onion and red peppers in about 25 seconds is testament to the slaw’s other redeeming qualities — like crunchiness and, um, pepper-i-ness.

Philosophical question: Is coleslaw a snack or a side dish? Discuss.

The $3 Meatball

The lone meatballI bought this meatball on the street for three dollars. Does anyone know if I got ripped off? What’s the going market price for a delicious, Italian-style pork meatball daubed lightly with mariana sauce? No matter. This thing was tangy and meaty and delicious.

You can read more about this particular meatball purveyor (or is it meatball monger?) at the Wednesday Chef.

Now it’s time for some meatball trivia:

  • Italian meatballs are called polpette
  • Meatballs was a 1979 comedy that my parents never let me watch — it was also the first film to feature Bill Murray in a starring role
  • The dish spaghetti and meatballs is a bastardization of authentic Italian food. Apparently you’re supposed eat the meatball straight-up — no pasta.

Which is exactly what I did. Which I’m pretty sure makes me molto italiano

This Leftover Hot Dog Tasted Pretty Good

Stuff a pickle in a hotdog for Chicago styleOK, you may not find leftover hot dogs to be particularly appetizing. But before you judge me, consider the following:

(1) In order to attain some degree of crispiness, I took the extra to to reheat this bad boy in the toaster oven, not the microwave.

(2) There was some really tasty spicy brown mustard in there.

(3) I’m pretty sure the hot dog was a free range hot dog. Or maybe it was nitrite free.

(4) I stuffed a Claussen dill pickle in there for good measure (and because I was out of relish).

All in all, it hit the spot. Go ahead and judge.

Horseradish Cheddar Spread: Pure Gold

This is awesomeness in cheese form.So, here’s the good news: this stuff is phenomenal. It’s creamy and cheesy and kinda salty and, um, a little bit horesradishy. It tastes great on Triscuits. And it’ll bring a certain je ne sais quoi to your smoked salmon cracker explosion.

The bad news? I have no idea how to pronounce this brand’s name. Seriously. When was the last time you saw “mph” in the middle of a word? Not this guy. (Yes, I know I’m not making any sense.)

No matter. If you ever see this at the grocery store, don’t even think about it: buy three containers of this stuff, a box of Triscuits and have yourself a “Trempherbe” ball.

Smoked Salmon Snack Cracker Explosion

Get in my belly!There’s not a lot to say here. Well, unless I were you. In which case, I’d say: “I am so insanely jealous you got to eat that delicious salmon snack cracker that’s staring me in the face right now. No, seriously. That stuff about what would you do for a ‘Klondike bar’? Total amateurs. I would step on my grandmother’s face just to have a nibble of your cracker.”

To make your own salmon snack cracker explosion, take the following ingredients and just kind of pile ‘em on a cracker. Then, stuff in your face.

The best part? My brother-in-law smoked the salmon in our backyard. (Pictures to come.) And my sister made the snack for me. I didn’t have to life a finger!

Verdict: F-ing delicious.

Scotch Eggs: Crispy, Meaty, Eggy & Salty

Eat a Scotch egg and you'll never be the same again

Guess what? I was on a boat today. Also, guess what? I ate the sh*& out of some scotch eggs.

What’s a Scotch egg, you ask? The good folks at Wikipedia tell it to you straight:

A Scotch egg consists of a shelled hard-boiled egg, wrapped in a sausage meat mixture, coated in breadcrumbs, and deep-fried. Scotch eggs are commonly eaten cold, typically with salad and pickles.

There weren’t any pickles or salad to be had. But I wasn’t complaining. I was too busy snarfing down two-and-a-half of these bad boys, which were hand-crafted and brought aboard by a friend of mine. I didn’t even bother to slice them into halves or quarters, which (apparently) is customary.

I give this snack five out of five snack stars. I don’t care if its prodigious amounts of cholesterol and saturated fat shortened my life by eight years. Totally worth it.

Giant Beer, Bag of Beef Jerky

Beef jerky tastes great

To counterbalance some of our more pretentious tastes, sometimes you just gotta eat an entire bag of beef jerky and drink a giant beer (on the train home from work).

To be honest, I’ve had better beef jerky. But this snack really hit the spot. Plus, who could possibly resist the jerky’s attendent benefits, like:

Proof that beef jerky is good for you. And America.

Top round steak? Gluten free? Rich and savory flavor? Made in the U.S.A.?! See, beef jerky is good for you. And America.

Why Eat Cheddar When You Can Eat ‘Xtra Cheddar’?

Flavor blasted to your face!My new diet: eat only things that are available in “Xtra Cheddar.” These things tasted amazing around 4:30 this afternoon.

Warning: the Flavor Blasted variety of Goldfish is not for the faint of heart; they pack some seriously salty flavor. Luckily, I’m a big and strong and burly — so I can handle the intensity (never mind the fact that I’m a grown man blogging about snack food).

Also, it bears noting that Goldfish are made by Pepperidge Farms, one of the classiest snack-food brands out there. I’m surprised this snack isn’t served more often as an hors d’oeuvre at weddings and state dinners. I’d eat like ten fistfuls.